Learning About Adoption From a Child’s Perspective

Sally Maslanksy, MA, MFT is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice.

Posted: April 20, 2010 08:50 AM

In their beautiful book Everyday Blessings, The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting, Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn suggest we could learn a great deal from trying to imagine the world from our child’s point of view (p.384). To this end, I would like you to imagine what the world might look like from the point of view of a 6 or 7 year old orphan.

Imagine what the world looks and feels like to a child taken from his mother at the age of 1 or 2. Imagine that no one has really prepared him in any way for this transition and there is no one he knows there to help comfort him during this process. Imagine a little deeper if you can at the impact of any possible abuse, neglect and drug or alcohol exposure.

Now imagine this child being taken to an orphanage full of strangers. Imagine the repercussions of spending the next 4 or 5 years in that orphanage. Having worked in an Eastern European orphanage, I can assure you that it is not a place in any way that promotes loving growth and development.

Children in orphanages have few opportunities to grow and develop in a healthy way. They have little if any consistent one-on-one loving attention. They often do not even have their own beds much less bedtime stories and rituals such as being tucked in, bath time, bubble baths or rubber duckies. They don’t grow up in a house with a kitchen to watch mom cook dinner, help set the table or share in the important ritual of family meal times. They rarely have their own set of clothes or shoes — and certainly few if any that fit properly. No special stuffed animal, no blankie, no family photos or albums, no special books with their names in them. Children in orphanages do not have the attention, love and nurturing so vital to healthy development. And this is all under the best of circumstances. This is assuming there is no abuse. Neglect is the nature of growing up in an orphanage.

Now imagine that one day a complete stranger arrives at the orphanage. She speaks a language the child has never heard. She spends a week or two with the child and then takes him from the orphanage to a plane and they take a long journey to a strange place with nothing that looks, sounds, feels, tastes or smells familiar. And she begins calling him a name he has never heard before.

More than likely in the entire 7 years of this child’s life, no one has attempted to help him make any sense of all that has happened to him. What is expected though is for him to be happy, well adjusted, loving, affectionate, well behaved and perhaps even a little grateful. No one anywhere seems to have any understanding what is really going on in his inner world, and no one is able to understand the feelings of sadness, despair, hopelessness, loneliness or anger he may have.

Now, switching gears slightly, imagine you are the woman arriving at the orphanage to adopt this child. Most likely no one has given you much if any of this child’s relevant history. No one has educated you about how early childhood development can be severely compromised by the kind of neglect, deprivation and emotional upheaval in this child’s life. No one has advised you on what may be necessary to understand the experience of this child or to prepare you to be the parent of this child. There are most likely no follow-ups on how the adoption is going, no post-adoption support, no community awareness of the difficulties that may arise, and certainly no consequences for adoption agencies and orphanages who have in any way misrepresented the physical or mental health of the child you have made this long journey to adopt.

I believe that the recent situation of a mom in Tennessee returning her adopted child to Russia is the result of a complete failure of the adoption process both in the US and abroad. A 7-year-old child allegedly threatening violence and drawing pictures of his house being engulfed in flames are the desperate actions of a child begging for help. A mom putting her 7 year old child on a plane, alone with no support or explanation, and having a stranger pick him up on the other end only to take him back to an orphanage is also, I believe, a very desperate act.

If any thing positive can come of this recent tragic incident, let’s hope it is to begin a global open, honest, informed and collaborative conversation about the meaning, process, reality, needs and expectations of adoption. Adoption is an amazing and rewarding way to have a family. It is how I started mine and nothing has brought me more joy and happiness. Adoption does take a great deal more than love and the desire to parent a child. Adoption truly does take a village – and a well-informed, open minded, accessible, educated village to be sure.

For more from this author, go to the Huffington Post at:

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sally-maslansky/learning-about-adoption-f_b_541791.html

The Eastern European Sibling Registry was created and is maintained by an adoptive mom to help connect siblings adopted seperately into US and other families. To register or get more information, email the administrator of the network at mom2russians@yahoo.com

Great Parenting Paradigm

If you have not yet heard of ³Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control², known as BCLC, it is parenting towards a new alternative to behavior modification and understanding why consequences are ineffective. It is a wonderful paradigm for parenting adopted children with issues, from minor to extreme. It is love based.

The message board, stories and support are incredible.

It¹s worth a look for anyone with an adopted child who most likely has some trauma, or might have some trauma as the years progress.

Daily reflections sent are incredibly inspirational.

The website is:
http://www.beyondconsequences.com

AND join the group on yahoo and learn so much more.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/DailyParentingReflections/

Type in any medical condition on your referral and instantly get information.

http://health.allrefer.com/health/myelomeningcele-children-info.html

when rain hurts at whenrainhurts@blogspot.com

into our hearts at intoourhearts@blogspot.com

grown in my heart at growninmyheart.com

to kaz again at tokazagain@blogspot.com

See Many more Adoption Blogs at Adoptionharmony.com/blogs.

Check out the Russian Databank of adoptable children

at AdoptionHarmony.com/russian-data-bank.

The Russian Data Bank:  Use the translate function on your computer for each page or try using the English version offered.  Selections offered are age range, eye and hair color, gender, sibling set and region of Russian Federation.  Although it is illegal to use photographs on the computer to show the orphans according to Russian law, they have listed them publicly with US access.  Children on the data bank are often adopted by US citizens via US adoption agencies.  Families often find their referrals on this site even after they have been adopted.  It is interesting to look at the Russian Data bank, to say the least, and very sad to see how many children would benefit from a loving family.   Maybe if you look, you will find a child that inspires you to adopt in Russia. 

Take the Rose Colored Glasses Off now!  The most important element in adoption is understanding  how to develop a Healthy Attachment with your new child no matter the age.  Many say, “Babies don’t remember anything or they are a blank slate.”  This is not true.  Their bodies do remember, and their brains have developed according to their past sensory input and emotional experiences by the time you meet them.  Be open to the fact that your new child has a first family or home or a beginning, and it was not with you.  They are with you now, and you must understand that their is nothing glamorous about the transition from the child’s old environment to your new one. 

As Dr. Ronald Federici, a well known post-institutionalized child specialist points out, “Structure equals Love*,” when a child first comes home.  Keeping the child’s world very small is recommended.  Choose a FEW age appropriate toys for them, and as for all those ones you may have already bought, well, put them up on a high shelf and introduce them slowly one at a time.  Make sure that the toys are not babysitters, but that the primary caregiver(s) are the focus and building the emotional experiences that are couples with sensory input to get that brain development into its highest functioning to make up for the gaps from institutionalization. 

Many adult adoptees say that the adoption, in an of itself, was a trauma because it shook their world upside down.  If a child feels they have no control, and they really don’t, then that is life or death in their comprehension.  This applies right down to the babies adopted at birth.   Their “wonderful new home” is a result of a loss.  Their inner selves, their brain development, has incorporated that feeling in many ways via their senses.  It may feel like fear,loss, frustration, pain, lonliness, neglect, sadness, deprivation of love, touch, verbalization, attention, and even food. 

Don’t expect them to act grateful, and if they do, then it will be a gift for you.  The honeymoon period WILL wear off, and when they child feels safe enough to test you and every boundary you ever thought about having, then you know they are probably making progress!  They trust you enough to test the waters.  Having a well thought out and consistent discipline plan that is proactive and a daily schedule with consistent structure are some of the most loving acts you show to your new child. 

*Help for the Hopeless Child: A Guide for Families, Dr. Rondald Federici

If you are considering adopting, please read the article titled: A Different Perspective…just imagine because it attunes you to the place your child will be in upon arrival.

A great website to read about bonding and healthy attachment comes from one of my favorite sites called RadZebra.org to find articles such as  What is Healthy Attachment?